A man doesn’t need to learn the same lesson over and over again. That’s what my dad would always tell me and I’d listen to anything he’d say. Cause he was a top shotta in Jamaica, a big boss, everyone feared and envied him. He’d also tell me there’s a few things you never mix up in this life, your wife and your bitches, your family and your business and your business and your pleasure. “Pussy ah get yuh kill bwoy if yuh nuh easy”, is what he’d say to me before he’d leave to go cheat on my mom. I learned my lesson about street codes the first time, well so I thought.
Everything’s so fucked up now, I feel like I’m in a 24/7 whirlwind and I don’t know how the fuck to get out, and I always know how to get out. I’ve been thinking about it every night since it happened. This shit is chess and there were so many plays I coulda made in order to avoid this but my head was foggy cause I was in my heart instead. Now everything’s different.
I stared at the dark ceiling, which was only lit up by the flickering lights of the city. I looked over at Royaal lying fast asleep in the crevices of my armpit. She was deep in a dream, I could tell by her face twitching. I looked back up at the ceiling and ran over the night again in my head.
“Sometimes it’s okay to enjoy life and take a risk”, not when you do what I do, not when you’re me. I could still hear the screech of the tires rip through the air as the bullets left the chambers. I knew we should’ve gone straight to the car but I let this girl override my thoughts.
“I’m a fucking waste yute”, I said outloud. Biz had him inside, he wanted to murk him right there and then. And instead of making the boss move, I made the loverboy move, knowing this pussyhole had no morals, no code, no honor.
My heart began racing and I could feel the veins protruding through my skin on my hand. “I’m going to kill him”, I declared out loud.
The forcefulness in my chest jolted Royaal, “you aight?” she asked in her sleepy soft velvety voice. I really did enjoy so many things about her, that’s what got me in this mess in the first place.
“Yeah mama, go to sleep.”
She rolled over and threw her ass against me, her little body fit so perfectly into mine. I didn’t know if she was trying to get piped down until I could feel the drool on my forearm. I wasn’t horny anyways and my arm was numb as fuck, so I gently pulled it out from under her head.
I reached over to grab my phone off the side table, “4:12am” I mumbled quietly as I put the phone back. I repositioned myself back into bed, I had to be up at 8am to go yoga with Biz. I nestled my head into the pillow and prepared to enter dreamland, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..” it was something I did from since I was a kid to help me fall asleep. I counted until today became tomorrow.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
I reached over and stopped the alarm on my phone. “That was a shitty sleep”, I groaned quietly. I pressed the tips of my thumbs into the corner of my eyes and pressed along my brows. Royaal was still fast asleep, she was going to meet us for lunch.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stretched my arms into the air. The fresh morning air filled my lungs and invigorated my body. I got up and walked over to the washroom for my morning piss.
Biz and I have been taking a private 1 on 1 yoga class in the mornings. It’s suppose to help with our stress and anxiety, it’s also a part of his recovery program. He got hit in his shoulder and forearm that night and lost Destiny. His mind hasn’t been all the way right and I feel like I’m partly to blame. So three times a week, I go do morning yoga with him.
The sun following me as I walked to the washroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I grabbed my clothes to get ready for class, nothing too flashy, just my tan Essentials shorts and tee. I usually grab something to eat before, but I’m just feeling off today.
The beams of light danced around the condo as I grabbed everything I needed before heading over to Biz’s. Royaal briefly woke up to check on me and then fell back asleep as soon as I left the room. I grabbed all my things and headed to the car. I loved morning drives alone to be honest. Driving helped me think and get over a lot of shit.
I thought things in my life were fucked before, I didn’t even know what to call it now. My friendship with Biz was in a weird place, he was pissed at me but he’s so loyal, he never shows it. To be honest, he has a right to be, he wanted to murk Pablo that night right there and then but I told him not to. Then he warned us to not grab food, but we still did. And now Destiny’s gone, two of our mans were hit and he never said it but I know he feels like it’s my fault. And once again, I don’t blame him because I feel like it’s my fault too. I’m making some fucked up choices over Royaal. And it doesn’t make sense to my niggas, how i’m moving bout this girl. And it’s not because she’s not worth it, but at the end of the day I’m a pimp and a businessman not a boyfriend and this isn’t how I move. But Royaal isn’t just a bitch… or my bitch..
I pulled up to the front of Biz’s condo and hit his phone, “ey boy, I’m downstairs”.
“Ah, say no more”, he texted back.
Things have even been fucked with Royaal, I know she’s going through it right now. Her head’s doing the most cause Pablo’s back in the city and he has French. And I haven’t been able to be with her every single day, cause I’m with Biz. She’s not feeling that, but I can’t abandon my brother in any way, especially at his weakest hour. And I know they’re not feeling each other, well I should say Biz isn’t feeling Royaal. He thinks she’s turning me into a gyalclown. Royaal thinks Biz hates her now and Destiny dying was cause of her. Shits just a big fucking mess, and on top of all that I have this little bitch Pablo to worry about.
“What’s good my nigga?”, Biz said as he approached the whip.
“Nothing in the hood, ma nigga”, I replied back dapping him as he got into the car.
“Nigga..you know that ain’t my good arm”, Biz teased and dapped me back.
“Shut up”, I laughed and pulled back onto the road.
“So yo, you tell Royaal Chelsea tryna give you the pussy yet?”, he said laughing. He thought it was hilarious that our yoga instructor had a crush on me.
“Man chilllll, I told you already fam, it’s not one of those.”
“Yeah yeah, I told you, you’re getting soft out here bwoy. Mr.B woulda had that working at the pyramid already.”
“Bro just cause she cyan bend up, doesn’t mean she’s stripper material.”
Biz dramatically threw his body to the door and looked me dead in my eyes, “walahi I don’t even know who you are anymore” he joked.
We both started laughing and cracking on each other for the rest of the ride. I pulled into the public parking garage near homegirl’s store. She owned her own little private studio off Dundas west, she was young but a hustler.
“All I know is a fat ass to help with my recovery was one of the best ideas you’ve had in awhile”, stated Biz as he jumped out the car.
“Bizz?”, I threw up my hand in confusion.
“Destiny, knew exactly how her nigga was, don’t do that”, he said before marking a cross over his chest, kiss his index fingers and raising it to the sky. “That girl’s irreplaceable anyways.”
“Forreal, rest easy baby girl.”
I could tell Biz was hurting bad, but we always used comic relief to ease the pain. He wasn’t going to tell me how dead he felt inside and that he was masking it with jokes so he wouldn’t break down. Destiny was the realest woman to ever hold him down and he had her since she was 18. I know he feels weird operating life without her and he doesn’t have the words to describe it.
We walked over to the studio, homegirl was waiting inside for us. She was wearing some lululemon set that hugged her body nicely, she had crazy curves and a pretty face. She was definitely a little vibe, probably didn’t even have a nigga. You know those gem shorties, that really are in their bag and about themselves. She only has time to mess with one nigga, so her patience is thin. She’s definitely one of them, but to be honest I wasn’t preeing her like that.
“Morning gentlemen”, she greeted us.
“Morning Chels”, I greeted back.
“Goodmorning Chelsea, how you feeling this morning?”, flirted Biz.
Chelsea giggled, “I’m doing well Biz, how are you?”
“A lot better, now that I’m here.”
“Goood, I love to hear that! How about you Bam?”
“I’m doing good too.”
“Good, i’m glad to hear it. So you boys know the drill, washroom now, phones on silent and then let’s get started shall we?”
It’s an hour class of Chelsea showing us moves that we aren’t able to do, but she always says “when practicing perfection the point isn’t the perfection but the practice”. She says we are very strong and powerful men but if we can’t learn to control our mind, how powerful are we?
I think I’m getting better with the poses, at least that’s what she says. I’ve never done yoga in my entire life before this, it was hard as fuck at first, to quiet my mind. She said, we fight the calm and the quiet cause then we are left to face the parts of ourselves we’ve abandoned… or something like that. But anytime our minds drift, we’re suppose to bring it back to the present moment. I didn’t know if I fully believed in the stuff she was saying yet, but it did have a calming effect on my mind.
“And that concludes the end of our class today, thank you for joining me. I wish you both a prosperous day, namaste.”
“Namaste.”
“Namaste”, Biz said before exhaling really loudly. “I think my shoulder is getting stronger from yoga more than physio, you know.”
“Fam I wouldn’t be surprised”, I chuckled.
“That happens a lot, yoga is a more holistic approach because it understands the interconnectedness of everything. So your physical injury isn’t only physical, it’s mental, emotional, spiritual.. You have to heal it on every level for it to truly be healed..”, inserted Chelsea.
“You really know a lot about this stuff huh”, I said.
“Yeah, I’m really passionate about it, so I never stop learning more”, she laughed.
“Alright boss, let’s get out of this young lady’s hair, she probably has other clients.”
“Young lady is crazyyyy! I’m probably around the same age as you guys.”
“How old do you think we are?”, Biz asked.
“Somewhere around 25 for sure”, she said confidently.
We both laughed, “I mean… I guess around there. You’re 25?” I asked.
“What’s around there? And yeah I’m 25”, she said in a flirty kind of way.
“27, but you were close”, I said as I picked up my stuff and headed towards the door.
“2 Years older… that ain’t nothing”, she rolled her eyes and bashfully smiled as she walked us towards the door.
“Next time you should come to breakfast with us”, Biz invited as he walked through the door.
She chuckled nervously, but didn’t decline. She waved and we left back towards the car. “Fam, what the fuck are you doing? Seriously?”, I paged Biz.
Traffick’d 