I pushed open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn’t wake Royaal with my drunken antics. It was 5 in the morning, I knew her ass would be asleep on the couch or in bed. She didn’t wait up for me anymore like she used to. Things were really fucked between us and it felt like it was just getting worse. I want to fix it, I just can’t right now.. Not in the way she wants me to.
I slid off my shoes and walked down the hall. The guest door caught my eye, it was open and it’s usually shut. It had a crack just big enough for me to peep through and see Royaal asleep on the bed.
“Why the fuck is she in there, she can’t be that mad?”, I whispered to myself.
My right mind told me to take my ass to my room, but my drunken curiosity overpowered them. I gently pushed the door open, “babygirl, i’m home and i’m sorry about earlier today. Well yesterday, but you know what I mean”, I rambled.
She was silent, until she let out a big sigh and stretched under the covers.
“Well, thanks for waking me up”, she mumbled sarcastically.
“I didn’t think you wanted to stay in here, I’m home now..”
“I definitely came in here for a reason so i’m good”, she said annoyed, trying to snuggle back into a comfortable position.
I sighed, “look what I said in the car-“
“It’s not only about what you said in the car Bam”, she said sitting up. “It’s everything!” She threw her hands in the air and then pressed them to her face. “I know I’m bad luck, I’m a burden with so much fucking baggage, okay I get it. I wouldn’t want to fucking be around me either. Pablo wants me dead. Biz hates me cause Destiny’s dead and she would’ve never died if it weren’t for me.”
“What? No-“
“Yes!”, she screamed.
“Why won’t you be fucking honest”, she got up from the bed and started pacing. “You know you feel the same way!”
“Don’t tell me how I feel Royaal, when I’m already telling you.”
“So why the fuck aren’t you here? Why are you letting me go crazy on my own?”
She looked up at me, her face was furious but her eyes were begging, begging for mercy. For me to release her from her own self, for me to just give her something. She searched in my eyes and my face..
I deeply inhaled and walked towards the kitchen to pour myself a drink.
She scuffed, “of course, of fucking course. You ain’t got nothing to say right, gotta keep your thoughts to yourself”, she followed behind me.
“Royaal..I don’t want to fight with you”, I said pouring my rum into my glass. I swished it around a bit before shooting it back.
“Do you still want me here?”, she asked sternly. I could feel how fragile she was, but I wasn’t in a space to be what she needed.
‘Obviously, that’s why you’re still here Royaal”, I chuckled as I poured more rum into my cup.
“Then why is it everytime i’m here you’re not? Everytime I want to talk about it, you don’t. You go everyday to check and make sure Biz is okay and sane but WHAT ABOUT ME BAM? WHAT ABOUT ME? I don’t have a mom, a dad, a sister, a brother or friend, I have YOU! I only have you.”
She stood by the window, jarred and disgruntled as fuck. I thought back to my decision of waking her up and now regret it. I tightened my mouth, swirled around the rum before throwing it back again.
I sucked my tongue against my teeth, “I’m sorry that’s not enough for you”. I walked towards my room to go shower, I had detached from the conversation and was in my head.
“What?!”, she shook her head genuinely confused. I didn’t say you weren’t enough..” She followed behind me again into the bedroom.
“Bam, what is going on? This isn’t you. Please, just talk to me and tell me I’m not crazy. Do you.. Do you not want me like that anymore? And you’re scared to tell me? I know I haven’t been to the club but-“
“I’m not scared of shit, but I am drunk so I’m going to shower and then go to sleep.”
She grabbed the back of my shirt, “what the fuck? NO! Answer my question! If you don’t want to fuck me anymore, just fucking say that! You want me to be like your stupid bitch Paris and just get to work? You just don’t want to say it. Biz probably asking you when I’m gonna go back to the club and it’s driving Mr.B crazy, you have no answer. You act like nothing bothers you but you’re hiding from your pain too.”
I kissed my teeth, looked her dead in her face and continued walking to the shower. “Don’t talk about Paris. You dont even know what the fuck you’re talking about, just fucking emotional and talking out your ass.” I said as I walked into the bathroom.
“AT LEAST I HAVE EMOTIONS!” she yelled.
“What do you want from me Royaal?”I turned and asked her.
“Talk to me!”
“I AM!”, I barked.
“You know what, fuck this”, I barged out of the bathroom and walked into the closet. I grabbed out one of my Louie duffle bags and threw whatever I could into it and zipped it back up.
“Where the fuck are you going?”, the fury behind her voice immediately started to dissipate. I didn’t say a word, just kept walking towards the door.
“BAM!”, she called out as she ran behind me, grabbing at me. “Stop! Don’t do this”, she tried to pull me back towards the room.
“Royaal, stop”, I said through a clenched jaw. She frantically grabbed at me and the bag, “stop.. Just chill… Stop”
“I SAID STOP! FUCK”, I yelled as I stiff armed her away from me. “I’m not fucking trying to hurt you don’t you get it. I’m literally trying to do the fucking opposite. You think I have to fuck you to turn you? YOU DON’T GET IT, that’s the problem. You never get Mr.B. Always want me to talk like i’m your boyfriend, I’m trying but I’m not.”
I grabbed my Moncler jacket, threw on my shoes and walked out the door. My last vision of her, was her stare into my eyes with disbelief. I knew I crushed her but I had to get out of there. Little did she know she unleashed a world of pain on me.
I threw my bags into the passenger side and sat in the driver’s side. I was still tipsy, but the rage was making me sober. I didn’t even know where I was driving to, until I was getting off the exit at Park Lawn. I dialed Biz’s number, hoping he’d pick up cause I forgot to grab his spare key from my safe.
‘C’monnn pick up, pick up_”
He answered the phone with a big ass yawn, “everything good fam?”
“Nah I just kicked off with Royaal, I’m downstairs.”
“Sayless”, he said before hanging up the phone. I parked my car in the visitor’s parking lot and went inside the lobby. Biz unlocked the door, dapped me and went to finish pouring out two glasses.
“Saloon”, he said, raising his cup.
“Saloon”, I said before clicking my glass.
So you gonna tell me what y’all fighting over?” he asked, grabbing his weed tray. I stared at the bottom of the glass, before taking another shot for the morning.
I clicked my tongue against my teeth, “fam I don’t even really know. She thinks I don’t want her anymore cause of everythings that’s happened. I tried to tell her that’s not the case but because I’m not there with her everyday she doesn’t believe me.” I pressed both of my palms into the marble island. I had to watch how I worded things or this conversation could go left too.
“Tsssssss”, he sighed, shaking his head. He was almost done rolling his barely smokeable blunts.
“She brought up Paris, she thinks I want her to be like her.”
“I mean two Paris’ would fucking sick, I’m not going to lie”, he joked as he sealed the blunt.
“There’s only one Paris, I don’t need another one.”
“Okay, so what do you want?”, he chuckled as he lit the blunt.
“Fam, this shit’s not funny”, I said in a stern voice. My patience was at 0.5 and I was doing everything to hold it in.
“Nah nigga it’s not, aint shit been funny for a long time.”
“What does that mean?”, I asked.
He inhaled a huge puff of smoke, “nothing, nevermind”.
“Nah say it yo”, I pushed.
“Fam, what do you want me to say that you don’t know or hasn’t been said? This girl got your head all open, you sprung fam. And that would be aight, if you didn’t pretend like that wasn’t the fucking case so often. Maybe that’s why she’s pissed.”, he chuckled.
“Aint nobody sprung nigga, she’s tight cause i’m with you’re ass everyday taking care of your mental health instead of helping her with hers.” I immediately realized what I just did as soon as I said it.
“Helping me with my mental health?? Your bitch is out here getting everyone smoked and then wants to cry cause you’re not up her ass every second. And you are sprung g, look at you. From the moment you met her you’ve been moving differently. You think Mr. B would ever pay a bitches ransom, then move her into the crib without her working first? Take her out, buy her all the fancy shit and she’s not even your top earning bitch. Yeah you lost it brudda.”
“That’s your problem, you hate growing up. Maybe I’m not Mr. B anymore, why the fuck is that a bad thing?”
“BECAUSE DESTINY’S DEAD NIGGA and she wouldn’t be if your ass was Mr. B instead of this, punkass loverboy”.
I knew he was hurting and needed to get that off his chest, but I was hurting too and I didn’t come here for him to make me feel worse. Tears streamed down his face and he wiped every single one and blew a puff of smoke. “Destiny was like a sister to me, because you’re my brother. I am so sorry bro, there will never be enough words. I should’ve listened to you from the jump and I didn’t, I have to live with that forever.” I said, clearing my throat and wiping my face.
“Yeah well.. So will I”, he walked towards his couch and plopped down his body.
I tapped my key against the table, trying to hold in everything that was dying to come out. “I’m going to fix it, on Hoodz I’m going to fix it.”
Biz leaned over, put his head in his hands and broke down. I walked over and put my hand on his head, “I love you brother… Just believe in me…okay.”
“You think Hoodz would be proud with how you’re moving right now? Get the fuck out of here nigga, bout on Hoodz I’ma fix it. You can’t, she’s dead.”
He swiped my hands off his head and looked up at me, before getting up and pushing past me to walk upstairs. I headed towards the door, feeling like I was just run over by an 18 wheeler. I didn’t know where I was going, but my body had to move. My vision was getting blurry, my chest felt like an elephant sat on it and my head was spinning. I barely made it down the elevator and out the lobby because I started yaking.
I stumbled to the car, got in and drove over to the girls spot. I used my key and opened the door and dragged myself to the washroom.
“Bam?”, China quietly called out through the door, “is that you???”
“Yeah”, I groan out before I start yaking again.
“Are you okay, do you need me to get you anything? Lemon ginger tea really helps with hangovers!”
I ignored her and continued throwing up until my body finally decided to give me a break. I layed against the wall, thinking about what Biz just said. “You think Hoodz would be proud with how you’re moving right now?” I thought back to me and Biz as kids in the Regent Park community centre. I could see Hoodz smile, then the flashback of him bleeding out jolted me. He was Biz’s older brother but he was basically mine too.
“Bam baby, open up the door”, cooed Miami softly.
The tears fell down my face as I let the memories i’ve been running from haunt me. Flashbacks between Shelly-Anne and Hoodz overwhelmed me until I couldn’t feel anything. I layed there, alive but dead suspended in my own hell.
At some point I must’ve fallen asleep and started dreaming because I was back in Jamaica as a little boy, sitting on our veranda. The cool breeze touched my skin and I immediately got goosebumps. I could hear rustling at the side of the house, I got up and tip toed to see what it was.
“Shhh, shhhh, they gonna ear”, said Shelly-Anne.
“Only if yuh mek noise… yuh luv mek noise eh. I could listen to ya noise all day.”
“Shelly-Anne?”, I whispered to myself. I crept down low behind my moms peace lilies and saw Delonte braced up on the wall against Shelly-Anne. She looked like she…liked it, I was so confused and intrigued.
“I told yuh don’t come nuh, yuh neva listen. He’s gonna be back jus now and my mudda in the kitchen uno.”
They would stop to kiss, I felt disgusted but I couldn’t look away. She knew she wasn’t suppose to be talking to Delonte!
“Shelllly-Anne?”, my mom called out, “come cut the sit’n”.
“I have to go!”, she kissed him a few more times.
“Shelly-Anne, where are yuh?”
“Coming mama!”
She pulled herself away from his embrace and went back inside the house. Delonte, smiling like a kid with candy, reached his hands into his pants and fixed himself. He pulled up his shirt, repositioned his gun in his waist and walked to the front yard to wait for my father.
Traffick’d 