Bam clenched his fist as he looked over and saw Pablo’s car pull away. I looked around frantically, trying to place where I was but couldn’t. It was pitch black but looked like we were in a parking lot of an abandoned plaza.
Bam softly grabbed my face between his hands and inspected it, I looked up into his eyes and could see the concern. The tears were spilling over, even though I didn’t want them too. I pushed my head into his chest and released them.
“I know… I know”, he said as he held and rubbed me. “Did he touch you? Did he hurt you?” He swallowed hard and asked in a stoic tone, bracing himself for the answer.
“Nooo…No, but French…”, my reply was barely audible.
“Shhh, it’s okay, you’re safe now okay?” He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back to look me in my eye. “You’re safe with me, I’ll never let anything happen to you again, Royaal.” He pulled me in again for one last embrace.
“We gotta get out of here”, he said, opening the car door for me. I hopped in and he walked around to the drivers side. This car was unfamiliar, it wasn’t the same one I drove when we went to Hong Shings.
He pushed the start button and the car roared to life. The bluetooth synced automatically and started playing Kehlani’s song, Toxic. I glanced over at him, “I had to stay calm somehow driving here”. He blushed, and threw the stick into drive. I bashfully smiled back and adjusted my body in my seat. It was only now that I realized how achy it was.
I was looking at the bruises on my wrist, trying to rub them away. Then the images of French on the floor, with her swollen face came to mind. The tears were forming again, I didn’t notice Bam looking over at me. He placed his hand on mine, “what’s going through your head?”
“Nothing”, I sniffled and straightened my posture in the seat.
“You don’t have to be strong for me Royaal”, he looked me dead in my eye and then brought his attention back to the road. “You just went through some fucked up shit, I don’t expect you to be alright.”
His understanding was sweet, but I couldn’t explain what was going on in my head. I didn’t want to think about it, I was being forced too. The images circling my brain, replaying over and over. This wasn’t by choice, but initiated by the guilt I had in my stomach. It twisted and turned and felt like I had eaten some bad meat and was ready to throw it up.
“I know”, I swallowed. I looked over at him driving, I couldn’t believe he saved me. I kept thinking, if Bam never came for me then what?
“Why did you save me?”, I asked him shakily.
“What?”, he made up his face and threw a confused look at me.
“I would’ve saved you sooner if I could, I tried to call and warn you that Pablo knew what club you guys were at. But you didn’t answer, and then I figured something was really off when you never hit me back. So I started to head to Windsor and then next thing I knew, Pablo was calling me.” He had furry written all over his face, like he was reliving the phone call.
“Yeah but why save me? Why head to Windsor and you didn’t even know for sure? What about if I was just ignoring you?” I asked remorsefully with tears in my eyes.
He sighed, and waited a moment before he answered. “You only meet one, if you’re in the game long enough, you might meet two. But you only get one good girl as a pimp, and I mean a really solid girl. I use to think mine was Ari to be honest, even though she left…Until I saw you. You don’t see yourself how I see you, Royaal.”
Tears fell down my face onto my chest, whether or not he was lying didn’t matter right now. I just needed to hear something good, I needed to hear that someone sees me. That I’m not just floating through this world, that I do matter. I quickly wiped my face with my shirt, “I wasn’t ignoring you by the way”.
He half chuckled under his breath, “well I know that now”. He threw a sweet innocent smile at me.
“You have the right to know, I’m damaged goods Bam.” I said, wiping more tears off my cheek. “I don’t know what I’m suppose to do, I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t even know if I can do it.”
“Nothing. Royaal all you need to do right now is probably sleep, it’s late.” He sighed, “you can’t go back home, so I’m bringing you to my spot. I’m going to have my people grab your stuff for you, but not tonight; You just need to rest.”
I leaned back into the seat and listened to his words, “I can’t go back home”. I recalled all my stuff I left in Detroit, the money in my safe at my house and shook my head. I remember when keeping the condo was all I wanted, now I could care less about anything. I wanted to be as far away from anything Pablo related as possible.
He turned on my seat warmer, “don’t worry, just try and get some rest please. I know it might be hard. But try and calm your mind.”
I reclined the chair and waited for sleep to overtake me, but it was hard. I decided to keep my eyes shut, and act like I was sleeping. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, even though I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was haunting me, running through scenarios French could possibly be in right now. Envisioning how this “new life” was going to be with Bam. It was all so much, my imagination was overwhelming my logic. The air in the car became thick and breathing was hard.
I felt Bam’s hand give mine a little squeeze, as if to remind me I’m not alone. But inside my head, I was and I didn’t have any control. My thoughts terrified me, my dreams scared me and reality robbed me of any joy I had left; So I just laid there until sleep finally won.
The ride was long, I ended up phasing in and out of sleep. Nightmares jostled me awake and I’d frantically open my eyes. Bam did his best to soothe me, to reassure me I was safe. My mind did its best to remind me I wasn’t, it was a battle.
We were on the Gardiner now, I was beginning to recognize the familiar landmarks. We were coming back to the city, the city that I use to love.
He gently tapped my thigh, “we’re almost there babygirl, are you hungry?”
“Um yeah, kinda actually.” The nausea in my stomach could’ve very well been hunger, considering the only thing i’ve eaten was tuna and water.
“You need something home cooked, I know a spot that’s open late.” He said with a little enthusiasm in his voice, I guess he was seeing me wanting to eat as a good sign.
I turned my head towards him and smiled, “thank you”.
“Of course”, he said back with a warmth in his voice.
He had one hand gripping the wheel, and picked up his phone in the other. It looked as though he was searching for something in his phone. “Ahh”, he said as EST GEE – Nobody Else came on the surround stereo.
“You don’t know nothin’ bout this”, he joked.
I couldn’t help but smile for real, “I actually like EST GEE, he’s underrated.” I said in a timid tone, I was getting more comfortable.
“Agreed, but I always like the underdogs. They’re usually a lot better than the mainstream shit anyways.”
I kinda felt like he wasn’t referring to EST GEE but more so me, because I was an underdog too. We drove past lakeshore, which indicated we were fully back in the city. My heart began to race, as I thought about if Pablo was also coming back to the city. And if he would leave me alone, now that i’m with Bam.
“You like oxtail?”, his voice pierced through my thoughts and brought me back to reality.
“Yeah, I love oxtail”, I replied, forcing out the words. My head was down and my eyes were staring at the floor, I couldn’t shake the ominous feeling off.
“Aight oxtail it is”, he said gently lifting my chin. It was like he could feel the emotions coming over me. I turned my glossy eyes to look at him, he had a straight face on. “I know, I’m going to have to keep reminding you; But you’re safe Royaal.” He said with as much generosity as he could muster up.
“I know”, I said looking back at the floor and fiddling my fingers. “I just….”
“You just what? Talk to me.”
I turned my head and looked out the tinted window, and watched as the lights and the world sped by. It was just another regular night for them, same old shit. Meanwhile my life had been suspended in front of the grim reaper and flipped upside down.
“To be a civilian again, ey”, I said smugly. “Lucky bastards don’t even know how good they have it..”
He chuckled, “to be honest, I was never a civilian so I wouldn’t know. I’ve always been in this life, even when I was in yawd.” He paused, as though he was reminiscing, “but they definitely do seem to have it good here, I mean better than over there.”
Without realizing it, I transported him back into the past. His eyes were on the road, but his mind was somewhere else, I could tell. The energy in the car shifted and so did my thoughts.
“You were born in Jamaica?”
“Bawn and raised, I moved up here when I was 10. But being a civilian up here is nothing like being a civilian in Jamaica. Same thing with being poor, being poor up here isn’t really poor.”
His demeanor was sensitive, there was something about his past that haunted him. I could feel it in his words, hear it in his tone. We were both running from something.
“I don’t know, but I never would have guessed that to be honest. You don’t have an accent, like at all”, I chuckled. Diving into his traumas was making me forget mine.
He chuckled back, “I mean not until I’m mad, or I need to. They wouldn’t take me seriously if I was a pimp with a Jamaican accent.”
I envisioned him cussing bitches in a Jamaican accent and laughed. “You might be right about that.”
We pulled up to a Jamaican restaurant on Queen street, called Pat’s. He parked the car along the sidewalk, “I’ma grab the food for us, you just want the oxtail? You know you can get whatever you want right, they have really good patties too.”
I looked out the tinted windows at Pat’s, the last time I was here was with French. I was contemplating on whether I should tell him I’ve been here before, but decided against it.
“Can I get oxtail and some festivals please?”
He grinned and picked up his wallet, “I was going to grab festivals regardless, you sure that’s all you want? ..I’ll just grab you a pattie and shit, just in case you get hungry later,” he said getting out of the car.
I grinned back before he closed the door, “thank you” I shouted out.
I watched him in his Nike tech jog over and pull the restaurant door open. It was nice, being taken care of for real and considered. I stared at Pat’s green logo and open sign and was brought back to the memory of when French and I came. French was trini and hadn’t tried Pat’s before, even though she had worked close to it. I got her to try their festivals, she said they were good but nothing like Trini’s or Guyanese.
A hollow feeling punched me in the gut as I realized we’d never eat together again. Tears filled my eyes, and fell down my cheeks again. I really lost my best friend and in the worst way. I pulled down the mirror and wiped my face, I didn’t want Bam to know I was crying again.
“God Royaal, you got to get it together. You can’t be weak, you can’t be weak anymore.” I said to myself in the small visor mirror. “You can’t be weak, not this time. You can’t ruin this, you’re strong.”
The door opened and caught my attention from the corner of my eye. It was someone else leaving the store, but the scare was enough for me. I wiped my face and flipped up the visor, “this time is going to be different”. I promised myself.
The restaurant door opened again and Bam walked out with our food in hand. It looked like he ordered half the menu with the amount of containers in the plastic bag. He opened the driver side door and hopped in the car, “we just made it, they’re literally about to close.” He laughed and handed me the food.
I didn’t realize what time it was, my eyes frantically looked at the clock on the dash, 3:29am. He saw my confused face, “that’s why they’re my late night spot”, he smiled.
Just then, the thought of finishing work entered my mind. And I realized, Bam was a pimp, which meant he had bitches working for him. Was he bringing me to meet them? I couldn’t do it with the secret hoes again and I promised myself this time was going to be different.
“Bam..”
“Yeah?”, he replied back looking at me as he was strapping in his seatbelt.
“Do your bitches live with you?..How many bitches do you have?”, I asked shyly.
His smile left his gorgeous face and a weird look of concern replaced it. I took a deep breath, and let out a sigh. “Not again, I can’t again..” I said frantically.
Traffick’d 